Collapse of a life by a narcissist father.
A narcissist isn’t someone who loves him/herself. In fact, it is someone who hates him/herself at the deepest level.
“From that collapse, arises terror, fear, pain and loss of voice. But listen carefully, for brave voices thunder through the universe with truth and power and refusal to accept the silencing. These voices embraces pain and demand justice. This is a hero’s journey: a heart motivated fury, outrage tempered with wisdom and these voices are a gift to all of us.”
by Ann Bradley, MA
June 2 , 2012
I am LIBERATED! I want to shout out loud, cry, sing HALLELUJAH! I finally know where I came from, how I got here and what I need to do. I have a desire to be a “brave voice that thunders through the universe with truth and power and refusal to accept the silencing.” Thank you God. I feel such joy as I lay here on my stomach, in bed, at 1:51am straining my neck to type!
I can’t sleep. I am “almost” fully awake. I am now aware of what I am feeling. That is different from being confused by my feelings. Now, I see directly into my mind. Feeling “flawed” and numb for much of my life, I was helpless to speak up. Fear ruled my actions for so long. I always felt ” out of sorts”…so now that I know where that fear came from, what do I do with this new awareness? As a writer, it is important that I stand up and speak up. I may be a small voice, but it is important to me to try to help those with no voice. If I can help other victims to recognize their suffering and teach ways to find self-respect, peace of mind, happiness and freedom, I am taking the right action. We are all equal in the eyes of God. One does not deserve more because of their sex, status or education. Freedom is what I always wanted but didn’t know how to get. Being free means being able to open my mouth and speak out without the fear that I will be punished. Right at this moment, I feel free.
When I think about how mean I have been to so many people as a result of the child abuse I received, I am deeply sorry. But children have no control of their environments and children grow up to be like their parents. It’s not always what they want…they certainly don’t plan on hurting their own loved ones…but, whatever you are taught, you will repeat. Until you wake up and realize that it isn’t right to treat people that way, you will never know how you are hurting someone by intimidation, humiliation and fear tactics. His low self-esteem becomes yours. As a narcissist, you learn to be nice to strangers because there is no real love there. I simply learned to put on my Greta Garbo
face which was another way of hiding behind a mask of self-doubt and anger. There are many masks that we wear but not being authentic and pretending is a crippling disease. In my family, it terrorized everyone. It seemed as if everyone lived in fear of somebody. There was no real love there. It is very sad but it must be stopped. Hatred and ignorance must be stopped. So, that is why I must speak up. You see, the price for living in fear is loss of self-respect, inability to form lasting relationships and lack of inner peace and joy. What is Joy? Why has it always been fleeting? Now, I know.
I will memorize these words forever –BRAVE VOICES
THAT THUNDER THROUGH THE UNIVERSE
WITH TRUTH AND POWER and refusal to accept the silencing. The voice is those of us who have heard the song of freedom and are willing to spread the word of truth throughout the universe. The silencing happens when they beat us down so hard that we learn to be silent in order to save our lives.
“Slow down. You are not “crazy”. You are feeling the physical reaction to extreme trauma and stress. Your reaction is normal. It is an awful feeling, but normal under the circumstances.” You can only get beaten down, rejected and laughed at so many times before you either fall into the pit of Hell or pull yourself up while at the very end of your rope. How do you muster up more strength when you’ve already given all your blood, sweat and tears. How much can one take?
Quite a bit, apparently. We are made with a built- in mechanism called Fight or Flight Response
. This response is hard-wired into our brains and represents a genetic wisdom designed to protect us from bodily harm. This response actually corresponds to an area of our brain called the hypothalamus, which—when stimulated—initiates a sequence of nerve cell firing and chemical release that prepares our body for running or fighting. “Your body is in the fight or flight mode and you feel the physicality of your stress. Cortisol and adrenaline, the stress hormones, are flowing through your body causing your heart to race and your breathing to become shallow.” What happens when you are not allowed to express your anger, hurt or fear? We must learn to let go of these feelings in constructive ways or we will suffer and cause others to suffer. Trying to remove yourself from the perpetrator is always best. Meditation, self-help guides, prayers, support…whatever it takes to start on the road to freeing yourself from the tyrant who may still be in your life. Deep breathing…anything (Deep breathing
really does help switch from the panic mode to a calmer mode, done deeply enough which means your belly expands as a baby’s does when breathing, then completely emptying the lungs switches you over to the calming side of your nervous system, away from the fight or flight. Give it a chance. Don’t try once then give up. Stay with it. Tell yourself you are in charge of your emotions, that you are learning how not to be a victim, then change your body to feel that way. It CAN work. After you are free from the enemy, you must continue to work on separating who you are from the lies and untruths that were forced on you. Staying in touch with the enemy is not an option UNTIL YOU ARE CONFIDENT THAT YOU ARE NO LONGER UNDER THEIR POWER. You must claim your own power.
It is a lifetime work. I won’t quit now. Don’t you quit either.
4am – sit to meditate for 20 minutes or so. I decide to recite a mantra from the Heart Sutra
. (Gate, Gate, Paragate
) until I am ready to go to bed.
11:18am – After 4 hours of sleep, I am refreshed and ready to continue writing. I begin my day with reading what I have written thus far. I re-write a few paragraphs in hopes of being clearly understood. This truly is a mission to help others but you can’t help others without helping yourself. Freedom is bitter-sweet. First, you must drink the bitter, then you will know the sweet.
Does the perpetrator want his victim to be free? NO WAY! Therefore, I move forward without delay knowing that my life depends on it if I want to be HEALTHY, HAPPY AND WHOLE.
In the introduction to the 25th Anniversary Edition of her book, Women and Madness, Phyliss Chesler, M.D. writes:
“We now understand that women and men are not “crazy” or “defective” when, in response to trauma, they develop post traumatic symptoms, including insomnia, flashbacks, phobias, panic attacks, anxiety, depression, dissociation, a numbed toughness, amnesia, shame, guilt, self-loathing, self-mutilation, and social withdrawal. Oppression causes bodily changes. These changes make you think you are going crazy. There is a difference between a mental illness and a psychological injury. Victims of abuse are not mentally ill, they have been injured. Healing does happen. We find ways to move from victim to not-victim.”
I am convinced that the victim of the Narcissist can suffer from what I call “pseudo-paralysis syndrome” – I have seen it in those I love and I have experienced it myself. I am willing to bet that a good portion of the people I see in varying degrees of pain are victims of narcissists. Unaware of the reality of their weaknesses and pains, they buy into the system that has a name for every condition (cancer, spinal stenosis, neuropathy, for example.) Paralysis is another response to the numbing feeling we get after years of abuse from a narcissist. When you feel defeated by the very person you loved and adored, it is enough to cause us to hide and withdraw into a shell because it affects us on every level…psychological, emotional and physical. How do you know if you are suffering from a true injury or a made up one? Can you remember your past? If so, what do you remember? Was there laughter? Were you loved, nurtured, cared for, touched and held in loving ways and protected? Who were your caretakers? What were you taught? What do you believe about life? Is life good? Is it beautiful?
Next: PTSD – S-